My Future Wife

Hey,

When's this mother-effer coming out on dvd?

Holy smoke.

Did you know that the girl's tennis team wears those little white skirts that show their bum every time they serve? I have consulted with my fellow colleagues, and this may very well be the greatest discovery since Columbus finding America.

Great Moments in Cinema History

The Princess Bride. Greatest Movie Ever?

I recently sat down and watched the Princess Bride for the first time. Holy smoke, that movie is amazing. It's got everything: awesome characters, Kevin from Wonder Years, kick ass fight scenes, and a great script.



"You keep using that word. I do do not think it means what you think it means."


"Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."



"Inconceivable!"














"I hate for people to die embarrassed."

Spring Day

So, apparently Bentley has a "Spring Day." I don't know what in the hell that is, but there is going to be a concert. Now, who is playing at said concert?

Third Eye Blind - Chick band from the 90s that capitalized on the fall of grunge. Pure garbage.

But the second group. Oh my me. They are rap. Which you know, means they suck. BUT WAIT. They don't actually suck. So who is it? Well, it would be a delight for me to tell you. I guess you could say it's a Rapper's Delight.






That's right, bitches. The mother-effing Sugarhill Gang is coming to Bentley. I am more than excited. The general consensus here was "what the hell is a Sugarhill Gang?" Meanwhile, I was sitting with jeans full of cream just thinking about it. This kids today have no respect for the past. This is going to be so boss.

Moment of Silence

I am not one to get emotional, and I hate the people that put all kinds of lame quotes and song lyrics on their blogs. But today, I will break this rule. April 5 is the one day in which I have to let it all out.

Today marks the 15^th anniversary of Kurt Cobain’s death and the 7^th anniversary of Layne Staley’s. Both visionaries in music. They touched an entire generation with their words. And they both lived and died the same way. Helpless, alone, and frustrated with life. Cobain said:

“If you die you're completely happy and your soul somewhere lives on. I'm not afraid of dying. Total peace after death, becoming someone else is the best hope I've got.”

Layne Staley did his last interview a few months before his death. No one had seen him for a long time, and he hadn’t recorded anything in 3 years (Another Brick in the Wall cover for The Faculty soundtrack was his last recording). In this time, he had become a recluse, hanging on to life with the help of heroin. He had lost all his teeth, weighed 85 pounds, and in some reports was missing fingers. He refused to talk to anyone except his relatives. He gave up, and accepted what was happening. From his last interview:

"I know I'm near death. I did crack and heroin for years. I never wanted to end my life this way. I know I have no chance. It's too late. I never wanted [the public's] thumbs' up about this f---ing drug use. Don't try to contact any AIC members. They are not my friends."

Such a sad way to go. And yet I can appreciate his feelings and what he must have been going through. Completely alone, knowing his end is near. He was dead for two weeks before anyone even discovered his body. I haven’t physically spoken to anyone in days. If I died

, I wonder how long it would take someone to discover me? It is sad, and depressing to think about. How someone could wither away to nothing. Here’s a poem he wrote during this time:

Core

Self-imprisonment
I suppose somewhere inside me
I yearn for freedom from
That which holds me stagnant
Over exaggeration turns underestimated
Emotion...
Emotion. Why the urgency to hide and
Slow the flow of that, which could,
And perhaps will, improve, and
Heal the burning inside?
I am protecting my pain
It is mine
And I so badly want to keep my
Pain to myself
But, in doing so I am hurting
So many who cross me, or care for me,
Aching for love and acceptance,
Only to throw you down in the latter
Of our shared love
Yet anger and guilt not shared
Between me and you
You are blamed for all that is a
Mystery within myself...burning
Oh, I pray that I might someday
Throw a blanket over that angry
Child
If the strength is found within the
Core of my being
His tears soak my heart and
Weight it down
I am drowning, and I am tired,
And so very, very lonely
I am.

I’m not saying I want to be like Kurt Cobain and Layne Staley, but that I already am. I, like so many before me, can identify with their music unlike any other bands before or since. And as I sink further into depression and loneliness, I still have their music to keep me company. They are truly missed. That’s all. From Angry Chair, off of Dirt:

Loneliness is not a phase

Field of pain is where I graze
Serenity is far away

Saw my reflection and cried
So little hope that I died
Feed me your lies, open wide

Weight of my heart, not the size

Peace, love, empathy,

KK

New Freddy Krueger!

Everyone knows, I love me some crappy horror movies. As such, I have seen the complete Nightmare on Elm Street series and loved them all. Particulary of course, the character of Freddy Krueger, as played by Robert Englund. So when I heard they were making a Nightmare reboot, without Englund, I was pissed.

Well, it has been officially announced who will be taking over in the new flick.

Mother-fucking Rorschach.


It goes without saying, that Rorschach was the best part in what turned out to be a fairly mediocre movie. I will admit, I am excited now. But it is being made by the dillweeds that did the TCM remake and the Friday the 13th remake, so it is pretty much guaranteed it will blow ass. They managed to miss the mark on both of those films, so I doubt this will be any different. Oh well.

Good Vampires

Dracula

Alucard

Spike

















Please take note. If you don't know what a vampire is, just look at wikipedia or something. Or go find a 14 year old kid wearing black.

I guess I've just been spoiled by watching Buffy/Angel. But then again, there is nothing wrong with having high standards. Luckily, those same high standards don't apply to my views on girls.

Damn...

"Now all I gotta say to you
Wannabe, gonnabe, p***y-eatin c**ksuckin prankstas
When the s**t jumps off what the f**k you gonna do
Damn it feels good to be a gangsta."

War of the 80s Properties

This is bound to be the most action packed summer of the century. Yes everyone, this year the two giants from the 80s are going to battling out once again. I am of course referring to GI Joe and Transformers.


First up is Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. Coming out June 24, this is the sequel to the 2007 Michael Bay shit heap. I was not a fan. It didn't feel like the classic show at all. Still, it was cool to see Optimus on the big screen duking it out with Megatron. And I loved that they kept Optimus' voice the same. But overall, it was just a bad movie. Look at the OG Transformers movie. That was epic. Orsen Welles in his final roll as the planet Unicron. I'm getting a hard-on just thinking about it. But I digress. Bay can make action movies. That much is true. But he can't create interesting characters that I can relate to or actually care about. And that's why I am not enthusiastic about the new flick. But who I am kidding, I'll probably still see it anyway. I am such a tool.




Next up GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra. Coming out August 7, this movie looks friggin epic. Playing Cobra Commander? None other than that little kid from 10 Things I hate About You. Ok, so that is a little weird, but it still doesn't stop my excitement. I don't even like action movies, and I am going to be there to see this opening day. It is going to be sick to see Destro, Snake-Eyes, The Baroness, and of course Cobra Commander on the big screen. Which reminds me. Did you know they sell a Cobra Commander action figure at Wal-Mart done up in the old school style? What an amazing Christmas present that would be...





So there you have it. Tansformers and GI Joe are both going to do great at the box office, but only one will reign supreme. It's a safe bet the winner will be Transformers, but I have a feeling Joe will be the one that fares better with the critics. Only time will tell.

Contusion

Color floods to the spot, dull purple.
The rest of the body is all washed out,
The color of pearl.

In a pit of rock
The sea sucks obsessively,
One hollow the whole sea's pivot.

The size of a fly,
The doom mark
Crawls down the wall.

The heart shuts,
The sea slides back,
The mirrors are sheeted.

-Plath

Do I get my hip and edgy points now? But I added a poem! And it was by Sylvia Plath! Oh, adding lame poems to blogs in an attempt to look smart and cool only makes you look stupider? Glad we cleared that up.

What I Did Today

Please skip this post if you are still under the impression that I am not a nerd or that I have a life.



So, I spent today reading Legion of Super-Heroes comics from the 1950s and 60s. They are my new favorite obsession. They are each like 10 pages long and are just fascinating. For instance, today I read an issue where a man had the power to control wild animals. After being rejected from the League, he uses his power for revenge and takes control of several monsters from the cleverly named "Monster Planet." The equally cleverly named hero Bouncing Boy, managed to stop him. It was rad.

So after reading these for an hour or two while I did laundry, I then decided to watch some cartoons on my computer. But not just any cartoons, mother-effing Dragonball. Yes, I know. It is pathetic. But I can't help it, I am equally pathetic. I am halfway through the Tien saga. The writing is horrible and the jokes are lame. Yet I can't stop watching it. The fighting is still creative and fun to watch, even though I am no longer 13. And I still plan on going to see the new movie in theaters when it comes out. I know it is going to blow ass, but freaking Spike is in it. Playing Piccolo no less. This is one trainwreck that I am not going to miss.

Where the Wild Things KICK ASS

By now, I shall assume everyone has seen the new trailer for the Where the Wild Things Are movie. If not, go see it RIGHT NOW. In a year with a ton of amazing films coming out (well, at least two), this gets the official "most hyped movie of the year" award. Seriously, those creatures look brilliant. And it's directed by Spike Jonze, who did Being John Malkovich and Adaptation. Both great, strange flicks. I have high hopes for this one. I just wish I knew a ten year old kid to take with me. Maybe I'll steal one...

Star Fox Quotes: Day 5

Well, in honor of the final day of Star Fox week, I have to go with the most famous Star Fox quote of all.

"Do a barrel roll!"

Star Fox Quotes: Day 4

"Can't let you do that, Star Fox!"

Star Fox Quotes: Day 3

"Thanks Fox, I thought they had me!"

Star Fox Quotes: Day Two

"It's quiet. Too quiet...

Be careful! It's a trap!"

Star Fox Quotes: Day One

"We need your help Star Fox! Andross has declared war. He's invaded the Lylat System and is trying to take over Corneria. Our army alone can't do the job. Hurry Star Fox!"

Top 5 Reasons Why Die Hard 4 Sucked

5.) The Title

Seriously? Live Free or Die Hard. That was the best they could come up with? I've heard of shitty movie titles, but this is ridiculous. Is it supposed to be funny? I don't know, but in a series with a movie called Die Harder, you have to put in a lot of work to create a worse title.


4.) PG-13

What the hell were they thinking? Oh, this worked so well for Alien vs Predator. They aren't trying to sell action figures. Keep the damn movie R. Why rip off its balls? I want to see blood and swearing. This isn't an Oscar contender, its an action movie. Keep it that way. Yippie-kay-aye, mother-(gunshot).


3.) Computer Hacking

If you think a computer can hack into everything, you are a very confused individual. In the real world, of which this movie does not take place, you can't destroy the world with a fucking Dell. Which leads me to the next point:


2.) Horrible Villains

The villains plan? Turn all traffic lights green. Oh that'll teach Washington DC. Now I'll hack intoa a helicopter and do nothing. Shut the fuck up. Hans Gruber was a total bad ass. Tim Olyphant was a complete puss. God, I don't know who keeps giving this guy movies. Fingers crossed for Hitman 2.


1.) The "Action" Scenes

I know its an action movie. I get it. But a plane vs a truck? This isn't Transformers, people. This movie had the dumbest, most over the top scenes in movie history. Anyone that thinks this movie was even half-way decent needs to get their head examined.

Piece. Of. Shit.

Top 5 Sexiest Presidents

5.) James Polk

Also known as the President with the softest eyes (citation needed), James Polk was a foxy beast. Who wouldn't poke Polk?














4.) Ulysses S. Grant

Sure, some may consider him the worst President we've ever had, but come on. Look at him. If you are a fan of the outdoorsy type (and I am), this man is hot stuff. Grr, so chiseled and manly. Makes me wish I lived in the 1860s. Except for the tuberculosis. That must've sucked.










3.) Chester Allen Arthur

Some may say side-burn pubes are not attractive. Those people are wrong. This man perfected the look of "not giving a shit." And for that, I salute him. God bless you, Chester.










2.) Franklin Pierce

Look at that hair. This man is like the 1800s version of Conan O'Brien. And as equally attractive. Plus, he even went to college in Maine and still managed to lead a successful career. This man is amazing.














1.) William Howard Taft

As my dad always said, sexiness comes in all sizes. Taft proves this philosophy right. I could lose myself in this man's arms.

Top 5 Hottest Chicks

5.) Miley Cyrus

Yeah, yeah. I know.

"Why don't you take a seat over there?"

Screw you, it's my blog.










4.) Jessica Rabbit

She's not bad, she's just drawn that way. Is there anything wrong with loving an animated girl? My Japanese friends would say no. Though they also enjoy tentacles and school girl panties...

On second thought, ya. There is something wrong with liking animated girls.











3.) Slave Outfit Princess Leia

The perfect way to die: being choked to death by her. Return of the Jedi was my lest favorite of the OT, but damn the beginning of it was awesome. Except for Boba Fett being killed by blind Han Solo, but that's a different story.













2.) Winnie Cooper

Kevin was the luckiest fictional character that ever almost lived. Remember when they first kissed? Or when Winnie got into that car accident and Kevin stared at her through her window. I learned a lot about stalking girls from the Wonder Years.

I also have the Winnie Cooper clip show saved on my iPod. In case I need something on a plane ride to "watch."










1.) LC

I still like her.

Top 5 Movie Quotes

5.) "When my penis sneezes, I say "God bless you." God bless you, penis."
- Gigli

4.) "These aren't the droids you're looking for."
- Star Wars

3.) "Say, would you like a chocolate covered pretzel? They're a little melty, but damn are they exquisite."
- Mallrats

2.) "It's the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man."
- Ghostbusters

1.) "I thought I was your snack pack?"
- Billy Madison