"Now all I gotta say to you
Wannabe, gonnabe, p***y-eatin c**ksuckin prankstas
When the s**t jumps off what the f**k you gonna do
Damn it feels good to be a gangsta."
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Damn...
"Now all I gotta say to you
Wannabe, gonnabe, p***y-eatin c**ksuckin prankstas
When the s**t jumps off what the f**k you gonna do
Damn it feels good to be a gangsta."
Monday, March 30, 2009
War of the 80s Properties
This is bound to be the most action packed summer of the century. Yes everyone, this year the two giants from the 80s are going to battling out once again. I am of course referring to GI Joe and Transformers.
First up is Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. Coming out June 24, this is the sequel to the 2007 Michael Bay shit heap. I was not a fan. It didn't feel like the classic show at all. Still, it was cool to see Optimus on the big screen duking it out with Megatron. And I loved that they kept Optimus' voice the same. But overall, it was just a bad movie. Look at the OG Transformers movie. That was epic. Orsen Welles in his final roll as the planet Unicron. I'm getting a hard-on just thinking about it. But I digress. Bay can make action movies. That much is true. But he can't create interesting characters that I can relate to or actually care about. And that's why I am not enthusiastic about the new flick. But who I am kidding, I'll probably still see it anyway. I am such a tool.
Next up GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra. Coming out August 7, this movie looks friggin epic. Playing Cobra Commander? None other than that little kid from 10 Things I hate About You. Ok, so that is a little weird, but it still doesn't stop my excitement. I don't even like action movies, and I am going to be there to see this opening day. It is going to be sick to see Destro, Snake-Eyes, The Baroness, and of course Cobra Commander on the big screen. Which reminds me. Did you know they sell a Cobra Commander action figure at Wal-Mart done up in the old school style? What an amazing Christmas present that would be...
So there you have it. Tansformers and GI Joe are both going to do great at the box office, but only one will reign supreme. It's a safe bet the winner will be Transformers, but I have a feeling Joe will be the one that fares better with the critics. Only time will tell.
First up is Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. Coming out June 24, this is the sequel to the 2007 Michael Bay shit heap. I was not a fan. It didn't feel like the classic show at all. Still, it was cool to see Optimus on the big screen duking it out with Megatron. And I loved that they kept Optimus' voice the same. But overall, it was just a bad movie. Look at the OG Transformers movie. That was epic. Orsen Welles in his final roll as the planet Unicron. I'm getting a hard-on just thinking about it. But I digress. Bay can make action movies. That much is true. But he can't create interesting characters that I can relate to or actually care about. And that's why I am not enthusiastic about the new flick. But who I am kidding, I'll probably still see it anyway. I am such a tool.
Next up GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra. Coming out August 7, this movie looks friggin epic. Playing Cobra Commander? None other than that little kid from 10 Things I hate About You. Ok, so that is a little weird, but it still doesn't stop my excitement. I don't even like action movies, and I am going to be there to see this opening day. It is going to be sick to see Destro, Snake-Eyes, The Baroness, and of course Cobra Commander on the big screen. Which reminds me. Did you know they sell a Cobra Commander action figure at Wal-Mart done up in the old school style? What an amazing Christmas present that would be...
So there you have it. Tansformers and GI Joe are both going to do great at the box office, but only one will reign supreme. It's a safe bet the winner will be Transformers, but I have a feeling Joe will be the one that fares better with the critics. Only time will tell.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Contusion
Color floods to the spot, dull purple.
The rest of the body is all washed out,
The color of pearl.
In a pit of rock
The sea sucks obsessively,
One hollow the whole sea's pivot.
The size of a fly,
The doom mark
Crawls down the wall.
The heart shuts,
The sea slides back,
The mirrors are sheeted.
-Plath
Do I get my hip and edgy points now? But I added a poem! And it was by Sylvia Plath! Oh, adding lame poems to blogs in an attempt to look smart and cool only makes you look stupider? Glad we cleared that up.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
What I Did Today
Please skip this post if you are still under the impression that I am not a nerd or that I have a life.
So, I spent today reading Legion of Super-Heroes comics from the 1950s and 60s. They are my new favorite obsession. They are each like 10 pages long and are just fascinating. For instance, today I read an issue where a man had the power to control wild animals. After being rejected from the League, he uses his power for revenge and takes control of several monsters from the cleverly named "Monster Planet." The equally cleverly named hero Bouncing Boy, managed to stop him. It was rad.
So after reading these for an hour or two while I did laundry, I then decided to watch some cartoons on my computer. But not just any cartoons, mother-effing Dragonball. Yes, I know. It is pathetic. But I can't help it, I am equally pathetic. I am halfway through the Tien saga. The writing is horrible and the jokes are lame. Yet I can't stop watching it. The fighting is still creative and fun to watch, even though I am no longer 13. And I still plan on going to see the new movie in theaters when it comes out. I know it is going to blow ass, but freaking Spike is in it. Playing Piccolo no less. This is one trainwreck that I am not going to miss.
So, I spent today reading Legion of Super-Heroes comics from the 1950s and 60s. They are my new favorite obsession. They are each like 10 pages long and are just fascinating. For instance, today I read an issue where a man had the power to control wild animals. After being rejected from the League, he uses his power for revenge and takes control of several monsters from the cleverly named "Monster Planet." The equally cleverly named hero Bouncing Boy, managed to stop him. It was rad.
So after reading these for an hour or two while I did laundry, I then decided to watch some cartoons on my computer. But not just any cartoons, mother-effing Dragonball. Yes, I know. It is pathetic. But I can't help it, I am equally pathetic. I am halfway through the Tien saga. The writing is horrible and the jokes are lame. Yet I can't stop watching it. The fighting is still creative and fun to watch, even though I am no longer 13. And I still plan on going to see the new movie in theaters when it comes out. I know it is going to blow ass, but freaking Spike is in it. Playing Piccolo no less. This is one trainwreck that I am not going to miss.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Where the Wild Things KICK ASS
By now, I shall assume everyone has seen the new trailer for the Where the Wild Things Are movie. If not, go see it RIGHT NOW. In a year with a ton of amazing films coming out (well, at least two), this gets the official "most hyped movie of the year" award. Seriously, those creatures look brilliant. And it's directed by Spike Jonze, who did Being John Malkovich and Adaptation. Both great, strange flicks. I have high hopes for this one. I just wish I knew a ten year old kid to take with me. Maybe I'll steal one...
Star Fox Quotes: Day 5
Well, in honor of the final day of Star Fox week, I have to go with the most famous Star Fox quote of all."Do a barrel roll!"
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Monday, March 23, 2009
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Star Fox Quotes: Day One
"We need your help Star Fox! Andross has declared war. He's invaded the Lylat System and is trying to take over Corneria. Our army alone can't do the job. Hurry Star Fox!"
Friday, March 13, 2009
Top 5 Reasons Why Die Hard 4 Sucked
5.) The Title
Seriously? Live Free or Die Hard. That was the best they could come up with? I've heard of shitty movie titles, but this is ridiculous. Is it supposed to be funny? I don't know, but in a series with a movie called Die Harder, you have to put in a lot of work to create a worse title.
4.) PG-13
What the hell were they thinking? Oh, this worked so well for Alien vs Predator. They aren't trying to sell action figures. Keep the damn movie R. Why rip off its balls? I want to see blood and swearing. This isn't an Oscar contender, its an action movie. Keep it that way. Yippie-kay-aye, mother-(gunshot).
3.) Computer Hacking
If you think a computer can hack into everything, you are a very confused individual. In the real world, of which this movie does not take place, you can't destroy the world with a fucking Dell. Which leads me to the next point:
2.) Horrible Villains
The villains plan? Turn all traffic lights green. Oh that'll teach Washington DC. Now I'll hack intoa a helicopter and do nothing. Shut the fuck up. Hans Gruber was a total bad ass. Tim Olyphant was a complete puss. God, I don't know who keeps giving this guy movies. Fingers crossed for Hitman 2.
1.) The "Action" Scenes
I know its an action movie. I get it. But a plane vs a truck? This isn't Transformers, people. This movie had the dumbest, most over the top scenes in movie history. Anyone that thinks this movie was even half-way decent needs to get their head examined.
Piece. Of. Shit.
Seriously? Live Free or Die Hard. That was the best they could come up with? I've heard of shitty movie titles, but this is ridiculous. Is it supposed to be funny? I don't know, but in a series with a movie called Die Harder, you have to put in a lot of work to create a worse title.
4.) PG-13
What the hell were they thinking? Oh, this worked so well for Alien vs Predator. They aren't trying to sell action figures. Keep the damn movie R. Why rip off its balls? I want to see blood and swearing. This isn't an Oscar contender, its an action movie. Keep it that way. Yippie-kay-aye, mother-(gunshot).
3.) Computer Hacking
If you think a computer can hack into everything, you are a very confused individual. In the real world, of which this movie does not take place, you can't destroy the world with a fucking Dell. Which leads me to the next point:
2.) Horrible Villains
The villains plan? Turn all traffic lights green. Oh that'll teach Washington DC. Now I'll hack intoa a helicopter and do nothing. Shut the fuck up. Hans Gruber was a total bad ass. Tim Olyphant was a complete puss. God, I don't know who keeps giving this guy movies. Fingers crossed for Hitman 2.
1.) The "Action" Scenes
I know its an action movie. I get it. But a plane vs a truck? This isn't Transformers, people. This movie had the dumbest, most over the top scenes in movie history. Anyone that thinks this movie was even half-way decent needs to get their head examined.
Piece. Of. Shit.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Top 5 Sexiest Presidents
5.) James PolkAlso known as the President with the softest eyes (citation needed), James Polk was a foxy beast. Who wouldn't poke Polk?
4.) Ulysses S. Grant
Sure, some may consider him the worst President we've ever had, but come on. Look at him. If you are a fan of the outdoorsy type (and I am), this man is hot stuff. Grr, so chiseled and manly. Makes me wish I lived in the 1860s. Except for the tuberculosis. That must've sucked.
3.) Chester Allen Arthur
Some may say side-burn pubes are not attractive. Those people are wrong. This man perfected the look of "not giving a shit." And for that, I salute him. God bless you, Chester.
2.) Franklin Pierce
Look at that hair. This man is like the 1800s version of Conan O'Brien. And as equally attractive. Plus, he even went to college in Maine and still managed to lead a successful career. This man is amazing.
1.) William Howard Taft
As my dad always said, sexiness comes in all sizes. Taft proves this philosophy right. I could lose myself in this man's arms.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Top 5 Hottest Chicks
5.) Miley Cyrus
Yeah, yeah. I know.
"Why don't you take a seat over there?"
Screw you, it's my blog.
4.) Jessica RabbitShe's not bad, she's just drawn that way. Is there anything wrong with loving an animated girl? My Japanese friends would say no. Though they also enjoy tentacles and school girl panties...
On second thought, ya. There is something wrong with liking animated girls.
3.) Slave Outfit Princess LeiaThe perfect way to die: being choked to death by her. Return of the Jedi was my lest favorite of the OT, but damn the beginning of it was awesome. Except for Boba Fett being killed by blind Han Solo, but that's a different story.
2.) Winnie CooperKevin was the luckiest fictional character that ever almost lived. Remember when they first kissed? Or when Winnie got into that car accident and Kevin stared at her through her window. I learned a lot about stalking girls from the Wonder Years.
I also have the Winnie Cooper clip show saved on my iPod. In case I need something on a plane ride to "watch."
1.) LCI still like her.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Top 5 Movie Quotes
5.) "When my penis sneezes, I say "God bless you." God bless you, penis."
- Gigli
4.) "These aren't the droids you're looking for."
- Star Wars
3.) "Say, would you like a chocolate covered pretzel? They're a little melty, but damn are they exquisite."
- Mallrats
2.) "It's the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man."
- Ghostbusters
1.) "I thought I was your snack pack?"
- Billy Madison
- Gigli
4.) "These aren't the droids you're looking for."
- Star Wars
3.) "Say, would you like a chocolate covered pretzel? They're a little melty, but damn are they exquisite."
- Mallrats
2.) "It's the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man."
- Ghostbusters
1.) "I thought I was your snack pack?"
- Billy Madison
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